My friend brought it to my attention one day that I was holding myself back. When she said that it to me, I will admit I was in denial because I like to believe that I am trying to live my life differently. It was when I really started to think about it and was being honest with myself, I realize that my friend was right I am holding myself back from not being myself. I have a lot of dreams and things that I want to accomplish in my life, but I am not acting like it. Somedays I am up and somedays I am down. There are many things in life that can seem like our Goliath either internally and/or externally. It can seem like they are meant to hurt us and look like its an undefeatable obstacle, but we have to wrap our heads around the positive aspects and goals for our lives. Then start working on them.
When thinking about what my friend was saying I was reminded of the story of Daniel and the lion’s den. Daniel was persecuted for being himself by praying to God three times a day and God still protected him throughout the trial. When Daniel was thrown in the lion’s den he could have been eaten but that would defeat the purpose of the story. There are many things in life that are going to tell you who you should be, but you do not have to fall into the ideas of other people’s purpose for your life. You should go against the culture of trying to be like everyone else and step out as the person that only you can be. I think there are so many people trying to fit in that they are losing their identity. I know that is true for me. I have been trying to fit in my entire life with my family, friends, classmates, and society, but what I learned was that I was never as happy as when I was trying to be myself. I like to think of myself as a secret recipe and there are certain ingredients about me that I possess from the life that I have lived that can not be duplicated by another person. That makes me specials as well as the things that you possess that make you special.
Every time that I show up as someone else other than me, I am not only hurting myself, but also the people that I am supposed to be helping through the life I live. The truth is we all have some type of fear or anxiety about something in our lives especially if it is something you have never done before, but the fear should not become our identity. It is the progressing step that makes a person learn something new about themselves than staying in the bondage of the past and robbing you of your life. Every day I try to move forward and somedays I am successful and some days I am not. I see life as being a progression sometimes you mess up but if you are able to pick yourself up the next day or with your next decision and keep moving in the right direction than your making headway. I am a lot better than I was in the beginning. I no longer hold myself hostage in my bed every day. It is all about progressing forward when things seem difficult.
I always thought that the best part of my life was behind me, but as I continue to learn different things about myself. The best parts of my life are now in the present when I make choices to discover different things about myself and the relationships that I have. It is also in the willingness to make changes in my life. What I am learning is making all of the difference in my recovery. Especially when I find it difficult to be me.