Growing Me, Uncategorized

Am I losing my present to my past?… Was everything a mistake?

I don’t know about you, but letting go of the past is the hardest thing for me to let go of over anything else in my life. I am the type of person who holds on to everything. I feel like by holding on to things, I will find the answer to why my relationships with people didn’t work out. I hold on to conversations in my mind replaying them. I have held on to pictures and messages trying to find the answer. I thought for a long time if I held on to the memory, the person(s) would come back. I know it’s illogical, but that’s how my mind thinks. If I stop living, it will make things better.

I know I have lost a lot of my present days to my past. I wouldn’t talk to anyone about the way I was feeling, not even with my therapist. It ended up just making my past cloud my mind, so that’s all I thought about in my life. I would socialize with people and have a full conversation with someone, but in the back of my mind, I’m still thinking about something that happened 10 or 15 years ago. It made my depression increase, and my negative self-talk got worst.

Side note: I am a person who experiences depression symptoms, but I can appear to be okay or high functioning. I was always taught to be strong and to keep going even when I’m in pain.

What I am realizing is it’s okay to ask for help. I know for me I have always put on a brave front for people because I believed my problems were insignificant when there are so many people going through different things. Thinking this way lowered my self worth because I thought my feelings were beneath everyone else’s.

Was my past a mistake? The answer is no; it wasn’t. My past taught me that vulnerability isn’t a sign of weakness but bravery. Vulnerability is not something I enjoy; in fact, I will deflect every chance I get not to show my emotions. I have seen both types of people in my life. People that express their feelings in a healthy way and people who don’t. My take away from this is people who can express their feelings start to recover sooner and back to coping with life’s challenges. People who are not showing their emotions in a healthy way seem to struggle more alone, trying to understand something they may never get the answer for in their life. Which is were I’ve been most of my life. The past can either propel you to change or hold you captive to the strategies proven not to work.

I’m grateful for my past. It’s teaching me it’s okay to feel, it’s okay to not always be Superwoman or Superman, and that it’s okay to cry.

I know for me it’s time to let go of my past. This conclusion came from looking at the past (unhealthy for me) and the present, which represents the forward steps to health. However big or small, those steps are, being healthy is what I want.

This is a question I asked myself often, and if any things I said resonates with, you can ask the question to yourself and answer it honestly. Then decide where you want to be.

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