For as long as I can remember, I have been living for everyone in my life. I was trying to meet an unrealistic standard that is not my responsibility to fulfill. Honestly, it is stressful and distracting. Stressful because you have to consistently adjust to other people. What I found out was it increases my depression symptoms. It is distracting when it is holding you back from growing as a person. So I had to ask myself, is it worth it? To fear life instead of living it. To decrease my self-worth to be accepted. To let other people define my existence. If you are struggling to change, ask yourself some hard questions, and be real with yourself.

I have been struggling with change for a while, but even more lately. There are so many things going on in my life telling me it’s time to change. Scared, afraid, nervous, it’s time. It scares me more to admit that I am afraid then the act of changing behavior(s). I know what this feels like to continue to do the things that I am familiar with because I know what to expect. Another factor that keeps me from changing is worrying about how others will feel about me changing. Often, I alter the real me, so I do not offend others when I express myself, which looks like I don’t have any thoughts and feelings of my own. Doing what is best for me needs to be the priority versus wanting to be liked by others.

Learning Principles

These are the principles that I am learning and trying to adopt:

• Were all experiencing life causing us all to develop a different understanding that causes us to change for the better or not.
• People can have their own opinion about you, but don’t let that be the driving force of your life.
• Change because it is something that you want to do and not to be accepted by someone else.
• Love yourself enough to do what is best for your wellbeing.
• I believe that if you don’t change, you will miss or delay the next phase of your life and where you’re supposed to be.
• Life will be different, but you will be a better you by going through the changing process.
• You don’t need anyone’s approval to make the necessary changes to be your healthiest self.

*When I say healthies self, I mean anything thing that you need to do for yourself to grow as a person. Approval of others is something most people seek at some points in their lives but is not necessary.

Where all are going to change for the best or worst through life’s experiences, we have the option to decide the side of change you want to be on. To make conscious decisions to increase love, hope, peace, etc. Or choose to be on the side where life just happens without any proactive decisions from you. You spend the most time with yourself daily than anyone else. What side of change do you want to be on for your life? Whatever side you want to be on, make sure it’s the one you won’t regret later.

*** Side Note ***

I had this post written for a while, and then something happened in my life that made me question myself some more. I am risk-averse to change. I don’t like being unsure if something will work out in my life or not, so I tend to have one foot in a new opportunity and one foot in the life I know. I do this because I like having a safety net. The truth is, it leaves me stuck. Sometimes I think, the real important things in life require removing the safety net and having faith. When you fall, and you will, in the beginning. It’s important not to retreat to safety and remember the goal you have for your life/self.

Recently, how I see myself has come in to question. Loving myself has always been difficult personally. I think a lot of it comes from others’ perception of me. I tear myself down or recondition my self to be acceptable. I think I’m at the point in my life where I want to put aside everything that has made up my identity up to this point and figure out what I want my life to be. I was born into a lot of things, but that doesn’t mean I have to do those things the people before me did.

I got the last piece of the puzzle for my life up until now this past week. When I look at the completed picture, it’s not a pleasing image, but the beauty of puzzles is you can remove, add, or alter certain pieces to get a new image. Seeing the whole picture of your life can be difficult to see, but maybe taking a risk and stepping into a new direction will give you the hope that it’s okay to change in a positive direction. Who knows, it may lead to healing and allow you to grow into the person you’re called to be.

I have been debating for the past few days if I was going to write about this topic because it is something that I am dealing with a lot lately. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share it or not. I have been at war with myself. Trying to be my authentic self and less of who I used to be. As a result I have been doing a lot of self-sabotaging behaviors. I know it has to do with the fear of living differently. Sabotaging myself is not something I am proud of, but I am learning how to recognize when I am doing it. I decided to write about this topic because I know I can not be the only one that experiences self-sabotage.

According to Healthline, self-sabotage is “behavior or thought patterns that hold you back or prevent you from doing what you want to do.” We all have goals and dreams that we want to accomplish, but sometimes life experiences cause us to think that we are not good enough for the dreams and goals we have. Often, we revert to old behaviors that were helpful at one point but no longer served the new level you are at in life.

Some of the types of self-sabotage:

• Procrastination
• Trouble Stating Your Needs
• Learned as a Child
• Control

These are some of the types of self-sabotage and some of the most common.

Procrastination

At some point, most of us have procrastinated, but it becomes a problem when it is used extensively for the avoidance of life. Procrastination, coupled with a fear of failure and putting yourself down, is when it becomes self-sabotage. Sometimes the reason someone procrastinates on the things that they need to do is that they have been told they are not good enough and over time may have believed what someone said about them.

“Don’t ever let someone tell you that you can’t do something. You got a dream, you gotta protect it. When people can’t do something themselves, they are going to tell you that you can’t do it. You want something, go get it. Period.”

— Will Smith

I know for me, I was told so many times in school from my friends and family that I am not going to amount to anything. I heard it so much that I begin to believe it. Even though it happened a long time ago, I am still dealing with the effects. I find it hard to do certain things that I have a passion for because if I do and fail, everyone was right, so I have way try.

Trouble Stating Your Needs

I know that stating needs may not sound like it is a form of self-sabotage, but when I thought about it, I can see how it can be. I see it as a way to take away from your growth. When you are working on yourself, and you are making progress, it is a great thing, but if you are not able to state your needs, then it will cause you to start eating away at your progress, and you start falling back into old non-helpful coping skills.

I know for me, stating my needs is a battle, and it is rare that I express my needs. I prefer to deflect. My whole life, I have been told to be strong, not to show weakness, and don’t talk about your personal life. It becomes self-sabotage when I can’t admit that I need help. It starts to create conflict with the old me and who I am trying to become. It leads to self-sabotage because my working on myself takes a back seat, and then I am led to the bumpy road of depression that could have been avoided by saying what I need.

Learned as a Child

Reverting back to negative coping skills is an easy way to fall back into self-sabotaging behavior, in my opinion. It requires you to stay present to recognize the behavior. When you are growing as a person, it can be challenging to not self-sabotage because the old actions can feel like they are hard-wired to who you are, but the truth is behaviors are soft-wired. The more that you challenge the behavior by making positive steps, it will allow you to change. It is important to remember that we are an ever-changing people that evolve.

Control

Control is not one that I like to admit to being a problem for me, but it is. I have spent most of my life feeling like people are controlling me. I had people in my life tell me who I was so much that I learned to hold myself to meet other people’s expectations. For example, if someone says you always do this I go back to the behavior because I feel like I need to be that person no matter how much I change. Giving up my control of who I am trying to become to the others is self sabotage.

Reflection

I was in Bible study, and one passage I thought related to self-sabotaging was Proverbs 6:6-11 were some of the verses we were studying, and it made me think about the lesson we are supposed to learn from the ants. I realized that the ant doesn’t let anything rule its life. When it comes to life, we don’t have to let the experiences in the past dominate our present and future. The second half of the verses are a reminder that anything that you allow to have power over you will end up robbing you of where you are supposed to be and the person that you are meant to be. We can’t let old behaviors stop us from being the amazing person we’re growing into.

Reference

https://www.healthline.com/health/self-sabotage

Your ability to believe in yourself affects multiple areas of your life. It affects your motivation, confidence, self-esteem, and self-perception. Sometimes we let certain things limit ourselves from doing the things that we are meant to do in life. Many people say that they do not do things in their life out of fear, but I think fear is just the surface level to why we limit ourselves. It can be because of tradition, the past, diagnoses/illness, and negative self-perception. Those things have the ability to limit you, if you choose to allow it or you can push yourself to do the the things you fear.

Limiting Yourself

Traditions

We all have something or done something in life that is done with no rhyme or reason, but we do them because it’s tradition without understanding the reasoning to why something was done. What was right for them at the time might not be what’s right for you. It doesn’t mean in your life you have to do everything the exact same way. Just because someone else did it a different way then you were thinking doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Your allowed to have a different opinion. Even though you may love your family and friends you don’t have to follow their way. Instead lead by doing the things you were meant to do in YOUR life.

The Past

This is something that we all know, but I am going to say it anyway, okay. We all have a past. No matter how good or bad, supportive or unsupportive, loving or unloving, etc. We all have one! No matter if it’s positive or negative don’t let it limit you. Don’t let it stop you from growing to the next level. Whether it’s personal growth, dreams, ideas, future possibilities, etc. If your past was good let the positive experiences and feelings fuel you to what’s next for you to do. If it wasn’t all that great, fuel yourself now with self-love, boosting yourself esteem, and confidence and proceed with your life to the endless possibilities waiting for you.

I can admit, I am guilty of this one far too often. There are times when I feel like I am too damaged from my past to do anything else with my life. Other times I am afraid to be successful because of the way so many people have treated me. Also, it’s because I don’t want fair weather friends and family.

Diagnosis

Sometimes people can feel limited by a diagnosis or illness that has changed the way their life runs. I am learning in my life that the diagnosises I have about my health are not the end all be all of my life. They are to me stop signs that mean I need to take care of myself in that specific area more. That it limits me only if I allow to.

Self-perception

How you see yourself is important. It effects what you say to yourself. How you allow others to treat you. It effects your self esteem, confidence, and motivation. Negative self perception can limit you if you allow it. There are times in your life we’re no one might be on the same page as you, but that doesn’t mean you stop living out the things you are supposed to do. I feel like if you hold yourself back out of fear you’re mostly like going to miss out on the essence of who you are.

Push Yourself

I have been questioning myself from the last challenge about who I am and pushing myself to be more of the real me even if it doesn’t look right to other people because it is me. One thing that I learned about myself from the last cahllenge is what’s holding me back and why am I holding myself back. It’s kind of where this weeks challenge comes from. If you didn’t see it on the social media pages then I will put it at the bottom of this post. Try the challenge for a week and see how you feel afterwards.

This week try to push yourself outside of your comfort zone. If you are limiting the possibilities of what you can do, then start working on that goal that you have for yourself. Maybe you have a negative self-perception, consider challenging that mindset, and try to see yourself differently. Whatever you need to work on that you have been afraid to do or been putting off, challenge yourself by trusting yourself and your decisions this week.

If you could overcome your negative thoughts, would you?

Affirmations is a coping skill that is used to challenge negative thoughts. The more you say them to yourself. You will begin to believe them hopefully, and the outcome will be positive thoughts and change for your life.

Benefits of Affirmation

• There is no one size fit all affirmation. Creating your own affirmation allows you to choose what you need in this moment and time in your life to help you get through negative thoughts. 
• When you continuously repeat affirmations, it changes your attitude to what is possible for your life. You begin to see yourself in a positive way and help increase your self-esteem.

How to Write Affirmations????

I am statements are the most common way to write affirmations. 

• I am good enough.
• I am loved.
• I am worth the time. 

These are just a few affirmations that I use regularly. I am statements are not the only way to write affirmations. They can also be written as statements as long as it is positive without adding a negative statement to the affirmation. I struggled with these kinds of statements. Most of my statements when I first started writing them was:

• My voice matters, but is too quiet to be heard.
• I am good enough only when I do…..

These are not affirming statements that boost a positive mindset; instead, they lower my self-worth. Affirmations can sometimes be hard to write when you are first starting, but just remember the statement is about you. To improve the way that you feel about yourself. All you gotta do is keep it positive and repeat it as often as possible.